What follows is a true story sent to me (and a few other friends) by a friend who we'll refer to as Bob. Only names have been changed. I laughed my ass off while reading it. You may or may not, since you do not know Bob. But I couldn't let the story remain in obscurity.
"Bob" and "Sam" recently had this adventure.
Here's how it happened:
Yesterday afternoon my friend Sam comes into my office and tells me that his car was stolen. I ask him where he was when it was taken. He tells me that he was visiting a client of his in one of the worse neighborhoods of Hartford (he's a social worker for the state department of mental retardation).
I realize that I used to live not so far from there and that I own a couple of buildings within a one mile radius. I call some of my boys who live in that hood and I put the word out to look for his car. In the mean time, I drive him to the police station and he reports the car as being stolen.
A little bit later I get some feedback from my peeps and they tell me that they saw a drug dealer who goes by the name "Bones" driving the car. I make a few further inquiries and I find out the cellular phone number of this guy.
My friend starts calling him every 30 seconds. "Bones" ain't picking up. Finally, I decide to call him. He picks up and the following dialogue transpires:
Bones: Who dis?
Me: That doesn't matter Bones...
Bones: Who dis?
Me: I'm the guy who was trained by the IDF who's going to get my friend's car back.
Bones: What's da IDF?
Me: That means that I was trained to take down terrorists and other scum bags, many of whom are a hundred times smarter than you. And, unfortunately for you, I owe my friend Sam some favors.
Bones: Oh Shit. (Hangs up)
So I spend the next few minutes trying to get in touch with him and I keep getting his voice mail. I got sick of him dodging my calls pretty quickly so I did a reverse lookup on his phone number. It doesn't give me his name, but it does tell me that he's running off of Omnipoint Communications (AKA T-Mobile) and I find that their nearest center is in Bloomfield, CT, not too far from the place in Hartford where the car was stolen.
I go to the T-Mobile web page and find the instructions for programming voice mail, I call into his phone again and find that he is still dodging my calls. Anyway, I press the * key and it asks for my password; I enter the last four digits of his phone number. That drops me into his main menu. From there I reprogrammed his voicemail password and listened to his messages (he had 15 and his mailbox was already full).
After doing this, I changed his message to, "If you're trying to reach Bones, you should know that he is a car thief and he is being watched." After doing this, I decided to really get his attention, I had written down the names and phone numbers of his "clients" and started calling them. The calls went something like this:
Me: I'm looking for Bones.
Al: Who dis?
Me: I'm the guy who has been listening to Bones's voicemail. You buy drugs from him and I can forward that voicemail to thousands of people if you don't get in touch with Bones and tell him to return the car he stole.
Al: I don't know Bones.
Me: Then why are you leaving him voicemessages, asking for drugs? Maybe I need a second and a third and a hundredth opinion in the matter. Have Bones call me soon, or else lots of people will be hearing the message that you left for him.
Within a few minutes Bones was trying to call my friend. He was exploding:
Bones: Why are you messing my shit up like this?
Sam: You stole my car you (expletive deleted)! Bring it back NOW or things will get a lot worse.
The two continued screaming at each other. Bones was upset because he couldn't do business and my friend was upset because he wanted his car. In the mean time, I was calling information and telling them, "I found a cellular phone with thus and such a number and it is a T-Mobile phone. I was wondering if you could tell me to whom I could mail it?" I got the guys info., but wanted to save it for later, in case I needed to intimidate him further (I would).
After all of this, they set a place where they would meet. It was on the corner of Sumner and Asylum, not the best neighborhood in Hartford. It was mostly crack houses and such. However, it was close enough to the business district and some other important institutions that there would be enough traffic to esnure SOME safety.
We drive by the first time and the car isn't there. Granted, I drove by quickly because I didn't want to be spotted as a mark, but we were really certain that it wasn't there.
I call up Bones and the conversation goes:
Me: Hey Boney, you lied to me. I don't like it when people lie to me.
Bones: Who dis?
Me: I'm the guy who hacked your voicemail Boney and you're making me mad. Things are going to be getting worse really quickly Boney.
Bones: I didn't like to you, I was there!
Me: I saw the corner Boney, you lied to me. Now you've got me driving around, wasting my gas, I've killed people for less Boney.
Bones: Don't give me that!
Me: Don't tell me what to give you Boney, or should I say Tyrene?
Me: Yeah, I know where you live too Boney. I'll blow up your whole block if I have to.
Bones: I don't have a block.
Me: Then I'll blow up your whole head Boney.
Bones: (Hangs up)
We drive past the corner a second time and there's still nothing. I call up Bones again.
Me: Bones stop lying to me. It's making me very upset. I don't like it when people talking on Motorola cellular phones on T-Mobile Networks being run off of an antenna in Bloomfield lie to me.
Bones: You're going to get your shit! Quit calling me!
Me: Hey Boney, just get yourself over here or things are going to get really bad really quickly. I'm getting really upset.
Bones: (Hangs up)
So we go around the block again and check the corner and (shockingly) the car still isn't there. I try to call Bones and he isn't taking my calls. I try a few more times (unsuccessfully) and then I borrow my friend's phone. This time he picks up:
Bones: Why have you got your boy after me? You're gonna get your car. (He sounded really really frightened at this point)
Me: It's me again Boney. I'm tired of your lies...
Bones: (Interupting) I'LL GET YOU THE CAR!!!
Me: I don't believe you anymore Boney, and now I've got to take other steps.
Bones: (Hangs up)
We decide to go home, because we figure that he's playing us and that we'd do better to leave the matter to the police. I'm about to drop him off at his place, when I decide to call him once more:
Me: Boney, I just wanted to let you know that you're in for big trouble.
Bones: LEAVE ME ALONE OR I'LL GO BACK AND CRASH YOUR SHIT!!! (Hangs up)
Now I realize that he's really left the car there and has left the scene. We drive back quickly and find that Bones has left the car with its headlights on and it is blasting rap music while the engine idled.
My friend quickly checked the car, got in and drove home. I realized that Bones was not entirely stupid. He knew exactly how to leave a car in order to make people think that it belonged to a gangster so that they would leave it alone.
I reprogrammed his voicemail so that he could use it again, and then called him up:
Me: Bones, I just wanted to thank you for doing the honorable thing at last. (It was already about 10:30PM) Your voicemail is back to normal.
Bones: Fuck You. (Hangs up)
My friend calls the cops to report that he found the car, and the cops can't believe that a couple of Jews went into the worst neighborhoods of Hartford and managed to shake down a drug dealer.
Posted by jzawodn at July 26, 2004 02:55 PM